Freedom #7; Have you ever been invisible?

Wow. This one is a rough one for me. Let me preface this freedom by saying this. I always believed this "being invisible" thing didn't exist. I believed that if you were a good person, then people would treat you well in return. No matter your weight. I was very wrong. Living on both sides, I see that now.
I'm an eye contact kind of gal. I believe it's something you should always do. It was something I've had to learn as an adult because as a child I had such low self esteem I would never look up. I didn't want anyone to think it was about them so I would force myself to look at people and smile. I did this until it became common place; just the norm.
Here's the thing... being fat? Often times you get no acknowledgement back. It's like you're the invisible man/woman. When I moved from California to Ohio at 20, I thought it was so weird how people just didn't make eye contact. I thought it was a small town "thing". I chalked it up to that. When we moved to Chicago? Same thing. I chalked it up to rudeness; we were outsiders and that must be it? Then Denver... Ah, Denver. It was great. We'd walk down the street and folks would actually say "hello! great day we're having" and I was in heaven. Maybe it was the mountain air? The diversity? The city was clean and the people kind! But then I realized... that only happened when I was with my husband! Oh sure, people would sometimes make eye contact and say hello to me but for the most part, I got nothing. And if I needed help? Forget about it. No opening doors. No offering up a bus seat. No "afternoon". No nods. No eye contact. I was invisible. I didn't exist. I thought honestly that this was what life was like.
THEN. I lost weight.
Life changed.
And doors opened. Not just opened. People would wait for me just so they could hold the door. They would inconvenience themselves for my sake. Oh my gosh.... "afternoon" is now full conversations. Nods are nods with a smile. There is eye contact, and acknowledgement. There is existence in this world. And by existence, I mean I existence to others.
I went to get a battery at the local car parts store a couple weeks ago. I opened the passenger door to get the battery out and another customer offered to carry it for me. Another customer opened the door. The clerk brought it back to the car for me. I asked for none of this. I can tell you from years of experience, this would not have happened if I still weighed 355lbs. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the assistance. I just acknowledge the difference.
Oh wait, did I say difference? I meant prejudice.
I am the same person I was at 355lbs. I carry the same spirit and kindness. However, I now "exist" based on my outward appearance and only that. It's societies perception of who I am based on what I look like.
How very sad.
Today, I walk down the street and I acknowledge everyone. I make eye contact. I open doors. I offer up my seat. I smile. I nod and offer up "afternoons" and "hello" to EVERYONE regardless of race, religion, appearance, gender, age, disability, sexual orientation, life status or WEIGHT. Sometimes, kindness is as simple as a smile and a hello. It can change a day. It can change a life.
Existence.

Freedom #8, side laced? Not my style

How I wanted to just put on my tennies and bend at the waist.... breathe.... and tie. Just tie my shoes. But no, that was too much of a struggle. A struggle between me and my body; between me and my breath. No thanks. Too much for me today. Even having to tie them by pulling my heavy leg up on top of the other, crossing it as much as possible, and getting the "side tie" was rough. That stomach is in the way, regardless of how you try and tie your shoes.

Look around next time you're out. Better yet, look down. Check the shoes. Check for the side ties. You'll understand. What do you see? Are they obese? Or are they getting older? It's going to be one or the other. BUT, I'm going to wager on this one. Mainly obese it's what you're going to notice. It's a fact. It's just an exhausting process. You get winded. You get sweaty.

I'm not kidding. I got sweaty putting on my shoes! Oh my gosh. It pains me to think about it.

But you know what? No more. I bend at the waist and down I go. There's no thought about my stomach becoming the barrier between me and those damn laces, because...? There's no stomach getting in my way.

That's right!

It's a sweat free, painless process. Just me and my straight laced tennies.... Heading out the door.

Get this freedom, it's a good one. Sounds like a basic one? Ahhh, no. It's powerful. To not fight with your body? Big time joy.

Freedom #6, Roller Skating

When I was little, I started out my love for roller skating with those metal wheeled skates that went over your tennies. I can still hear the sound of the metal on the asphalt. Thinking back, it would have been faster to have just walked to wherever I was heading then to have skated but I'm sure my parents rationale was that there was no fear of crashing or breaking of bones.... since you could barely move with those clank clank clank, skates.
Finally, it progressed to the "rad" sneaker skates; so cool! The envy of the rink; anyone with those awesome skates will inform you. There was nothing better than hanging your "own" skates by the laces over your shoulder, heading into "your" rink.... ah.... oh.... the rink. "Our rink" was called "ups and downs" and apparently it still exists (in Escondido, CA for those that are interested). My friends, sister and I would get dropped off by our parents..... just to skate for hours on end (likely in jordache jeans with an extra huge "goody" comb in our back pocket)! The music, the lights, the fun.... it was a dream; we didn't have a care in the world! Nothing outside of that rink existed; just us and our fun. We'd do the Hokey Pokey and the Electric Slide. We'd go out during "ladies only" and "all skate" and wonder if anyone would ask us to skate during "couples only".
We skated everywhere inside and outside of the rink.... but that was the time; the late 70's and early 80's. For those of you that were around during those times, I'd love for you to comment on your memories.... the music, the scene, the friends..... it was all so fun!
I couldn't remember the last time I put on a pair of skates. I remember the feeling; the joy and the love of skating.... I just physically couldn't remember when the last time I was on the rink; probably High School. It hadn't been something I really could say I missed until the invitation came.
A skate party. Then, it all rushed back to me.
Last year, my son was invited to a skating party and as I watched him skate around the rink I couldn't help but yearn for that feeling. But the anxiety of getting out there at 354lbs and falling won out over the idea of recapturing that moment.
This year however, being 150lbs lighter.... I was feeling it! I got my skates and my son and out we went. Oh my gosh. Let me just say, yes... I did it. I went out and skated. I went around the rink. I was so scared! I don't ever remember my current feeling; the one in which I didn't have any control of my feet... that memory must have escaped me! It was fun, don't get me wrong.... but at 5'11" the floor looked much further down and much harder then I remember. My son kept asking if I was "good"; could he move on? Ummm.... no! He was not allowed to leave me out there alone with all of those maniac kids trying to cause a collision with me! No way! He even offered to turn around with me so I could go back where I started.... rude! I wasn't doing THAT bad! I was finishing this; I'm no quitter!
When we got back to where we had entered the rink, I was starting to feel a little more comfortable... THEN... on came a voice through the loudspeaker announcing a "skate-race" game.... my newly acquired escape was in motion; you didn't need to tell me twice..... I was SO outta there! I thanked him for sticking with me, gave him a big kiss and told him to enjoy the game.
And off my darling little boy skated, wind in his hair, music in his ears, not a care in the world.... And I was so happy for us both.
What are your memories of roller skating?

Freedom #5, Bathroom Stalls

Ok, have you ever squeezed into the bathroom stall?

At 355lbs, I squeezed into a many!

This is how I recall the situation.....
-Hold your bladder until the very last second
-Make it to the bathroom with seconds to spare
-Attempt to adjust body (likely by hiding yourself sideways next to the toilet) enough to grab the swinging stall door, and close it.... safely securing yourself inside
-Stradle the toilet and squeeze on down in order to get your whole body on the actual toilet seat
-Pray that the paper roll is high enough up so that it doesn't obstruct the small amount of room you do have, cutting into your leg and causing you even more pain
-Adjust several times in order to wipe completely
-Reverse order, to escape your self-imprisonation in small stall hell
-Catch breath

Now, at work I often used to run into the Handicap stall at work to get more space. The issue was that there was/is a person at my office who actually really needs to use that bathroom. She has no other choice. So I thought I had figured out her break/lunch schedule somewhat and would run in when I thought it was less likely to run into her.

Once though, I wasn't so lucky. I was in there, and I heard the automatic door open and she came in. I heard the "great, now I have to wait while some completely able person uses my 1 bathroom" sigh. I felt like I was in the "wanna get away" commercials. I came out, and as soon as she saw me (at my 300 plus weight) she smiled and I apologized profusely... making a joke about my size. I think I said sometimes I just need a little extra space. I was mortified. I never used that bathroom again.
Now fortunately, I don't need to use handicap stalls and can fit in any bathroom stall with ease. However, I believe this is an issue/freedom that many overweight people can relate to. If you can't physically "fit" into a standard stall, should that allow you to have the right to use the handicap stall without guilt? No, you're not "technically" disabled (yet) but being overweight carries with it so many "disabilities" and yet, the difference is.... an overweight person can (I'm not saying there isn't hard work involved) lose weight; these people with disabilities cannot change their situation. It's a struggle for several and such an embarrassing one.
This was one of my top 10 freedoms because it was so constant. Everytime I walked into a public bathroom, there was the anxiety there.
How ridiculous it all seems now but it was very real.
I no longer have to experience small stall hell, and if you have to have this experience.... I feel for you. Please know, you are not alone! But life isn't shouldn't be filled with anxiety about bathroom stalls!
Make a freedom list, and change your life.

Freedom #4; Roller Coasters

I love roller coasters!

The older the better; give me a rickety wooden roller coaster over the new shiny ones any day. There’s something about the nostalgia of them that makes me smile.

I couldn’t remember the last time I actually squeezed into one of those seats.

Just the idea of standing in line waiting to possibly not fit, just gave me the chills.

I couldn’t put myself through that, I had decided…. so I didn’t go.

Just too humiliating.

So, now at 120lbs lighter…. the opportunity presented itself.

A trip with our friends and kids to Elitch Gardens for the day.

I was thrilled, I couldn’t wait!

My friend and I headed straight for that beauty; the only wooden coaster in the park.

I saw the seats, and they were small…. I questioned my decision, but moved forward.

I closed my eyes, and sat down.

Perfect fit! No problem at all….

How exciting!

My friend, Melanie knew this was on my “freedom list” so was (I believe) as excited as I, and off we went…. laughing hysterically the whole time; it was the kind of laugh that makes your face hurt.

It was amazing, magical, and thrilling.

We had a blast.

I was and am no longer held back by fear or weight.

I am living.

Freedom # 3, Airplane Seats

I love to travel.

We live in between our families; we are in Colorado. My family is in California and my husband’s family is in Ohio. Travel is the only way to see them. I don’t like wasting time driving when I can be spending time with my family and friends, so I prefer flying. I’ve been flying since I was an infant.

I’m not scared of airplanes.

I’m scared of airplane SEATS!

So, it starts immediately.

Strategically sitting my son in between us, so that their is plenty of room (poor kid), or sitting him in between me and the stranger as to give the stranger enough room; getting an aisle seat or window seat so I can push out and not into the other persons space; going onto seatguru.com to determine which seats on the airplane are the biggest…. it’s a mess. It’s just ridiculous.

Then, getting on the plane! The whole time, getting the looks. The “please don’t let her be sitting next to me” looks. I feel bad too, believe me! I don’t want to spill into their seats! I don’t want to make their travel uncomfortable.

So, then we sit. And of course, the seatbelt doesn’t fit.

My husband is so sweet…. he will quietly ask the attendant for a seatbelt extender for me and they are usually pretty kind about it.

But again, sometimes you can just see the annoyance in their eyes. I’ve had them pass the extender to me over the seats after they have down the “emergency procedures” before… that’s always lovely. No embarrassment there, when the whole cabin is watching.

And heaven forbid I had to use the bathroom…. squeezing in there is difficult enough at a normal weight, let alone being morbidly obese….

So, my question as I’m in there trying to maneuver around is this….

How exactly does one join the “mile high club” when you can barely do what it is actually made for???

Huh? Ha-ha!

Anyway, we went to Virginia in July. I happily plopped down in my seat, put the armrests down with ease, and buckled my seatbelt…. free of extenders…. not spilling into my son’s seat (or anyone else for that matter) and enjoyed my flight.

And no, joining the mile high club is not on my list of freedoms!

Freedom # 2, Riding a Bike with My Son

When I left California and moved to Ohio at 20 years old, my friends loaned me one of their 10 speeds.

I rode it to work daily, and it was a life saver.

I rode bikes on and off for a few years, but eventually I just became too large.

I think I even can recall riding a bike before I got pregnant (at 29) but after that…. no.

So, this butt has definitely NOT been on a bike in 8 years.

I wanted to ride a bike with my son.

I wanted to be next to him, enjoying the day, riding in the sun.

There was a bike I required also….. a beach cruiser.

Big, comfy seat…. old school.

Like I grew up riding in California.

This was the bike I had to have.

So, back in May we found one at a garage sale.

Big and comfy, my style…. nothing new about it!

My son and I are riding in style, enjoying our days and laughing.

What a great freedom.

My son, and my new bike.